It’s High Time to Rename the Game of Football

As long as we are renaming many things these days, (streets, schools, etc.), I think it is time to rename some of our favorite sporting events, not because of inclusivity, but to make them more descriptive of the actual game being played. Especially the ones which use some type of a ball as a main feature.

We can start with “American football.” While the “foot” and the “ball” do sometimes come in contact (punts, field goals, kickofffs, extra points) those occurrences do not really represent the majority of the game. I suggest “tackleball” since that is the point – to tackle the other guy who has the ball.

As well, the rest of the world calls our “soccer” – football, leading to worldwide confusion. “World football” makes international sense, since most of the action involves players kicking the ball around. And sometimes kicking the opponents, causing, much rolling around on the pitch in agony.

“Baseball” can stay the same, because the players run around the bases. However, “batball” and “gloveball” do have nice rings to them.

“Wiffleball” seems perfect, because the ball makes a wiffling sound when it flies through the air.

“Basketball”can stay the same, since the object is to put the ball in the basket.

“Tennis?” What the heck does that mean? I suggest “racquetball.” While doing that we can change the name of the existing “racquetball” to “wall ball”, because when I play I’m always crashing into the walls.

“Squash” can stay the same since it is such a good description of what players try to do to the ball.

Same with “handball,” except I might add in the words ” it hurts,” in there somewhere.

“Lacrosse” is French, so to make it more understandable, we should change it to “stickball” Though there is a already an existing game of stickball, a form of inner city baseball, the game is archaic these days. Alternatively, we could change the name of “lacrosse” to “basketball,”, but then we would have to rename traditional basketball to “dribble ball,” or “bounce ball.” I don’t recommend that tradeoff.

“Dodgeball” is perfect as is.

“Rugby” should be “smashball.”

I can think of nothing better to replace “pickleball.” And “pickleball” is a fun word to say, as in “See you later, I’m off to my pickleball match.”

“Golf,” the most difficult of all sports, might be better referred to as “flog,” but that is a semordnilap not in keeping with this naming structure. “Club ball,” “hole ball,” even “cart ball” or “beer ball” would suffice.

Since we have changed ” tennis” we must also change ” table tennis” to either “table ball” or “table paddle ball.”

“Beachball” is not a sport and can stay as it is.

I am open minded about retaining” volleyball” but would be willing to consider “spike ball”, though I know that name is already taken by a sport which I am unfamiliar with.

“Hockey” uses a puck instead of a ball, so it doesn’t qualify for renaming. “Field hockey” however can be called “curved stick ball.”

“Water Polo” should become “water ball” and regular polo with horses should become “horse and mallet ball.”

“Bowling” is good as is, though “pinball” has merit. If that change is made, then pinball machines need to change to “flipper ball machines”

“Billiards” can become more descriptive by changing to “cue ball” or “pocket ball.”

Whew! That’s it. I’ve run out of ideas. Any other suggestions?

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